Because crap floats. In winter, NYC is the city of tights. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? 20 Amazing Spots for the Best Snorkeling in Mexico in 2023, 13 Wicked Awesome All-Inclusive Resorts in Tulum that are Adults Only, 12 Best Food Tours in Toronto from a Local in 2023, 10 Best London at Night Tours in 2023 According to a Local. The lox were broken. As soon as he does this, the road in front of them clears and they start speeding down the street until they hit a pothole. And if you found this post useful, be sure to join our email list before pinning this post now so that you can read it again later! My love life is terrible. Hes got a homeless guy. They stick to the ground., 96. Dress up as a police officer., 7. 22. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the Mayor of New York City got to become the Mayor of New York City. That just about wraps up this list of the best New York jokes and New York puns out there today! Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder., 98. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. 72. Because thats where the mini apple is! I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Why couldnt the baby Jesus be born in New York? Look out for your first newsletter in your inbox soon! Lots of jokes. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. What did the angry pepperoni say? 2023, Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 29 Funny Money Quotes to Share with Friends (good laugh, good time! There was a guy on the elevator with me. New York looks crappy in the mornings. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. 161. Dont surprise me on Brooklyn bridge. I dont belong on this train! A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . What is completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. What part of Mexico are your ancestors from? Los Angeles, bitch! George Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? Have a look at our jokes about New York City. "Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. Yeah, New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train.. Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet., 44. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. So, yeah. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self control?. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, cause he just left him there. 38. A single tower fell in Paris., 107. The coffee shop and organic doggy-treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone. Nick Johnson, About HomeSnacks May 6, 2018 HomeSnacks is reader-supported. 42. 78. Howd you get lost in New York? It is riveting! To park in handicap spaces., 99. TicketCity offers our guarantee, competitive prices and a huge selection of tickets. We want your New York jokes too! And Im from fucking Pakistan. Go Bills! Please see my disclosure for more information. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. Show - New Jokes and Newbies. So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. It wont take them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously., 87. Good to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. Because crap floats. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! ET., Rock . So glad you stopped by and super happy to meet you. Alongside hilarious jokes and . Are there any signs that someone is from New York City? I use a BMW to travel New York. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. Moo York. 33. The swelling from your head from getting jacked! 17-Down, Three Letters: Party for One artist Carly ___ Jepsen. Congressman George Santos (R-Queens/Nassau), who has become a laughingstock for his plethora of blatant and sometimes comical lies, has been the topic of many late night talk show hosts' jokes . Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. 41. When blondes move from New Jersey to New York, what happens? 103. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. Racist topics make me nervous. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Lost in New York? Henry, New York makes one think of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the end of the world. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, Im home. . Americans are heading to bed. Give it back now! He got back in his car and he locked his doors. Louis C.K. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second., 35. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. Turns out it was a bar mitzvah. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. This event listing provided for the New York community events calendar. Think about that, thats true. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? Is there a difference between New York and Paris? Well, we have both of them. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self-control? The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder. Theyre just, Is that an octopus? On a scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets. It would be like, You seen this shit? Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. By entering your email address you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and consent to receive emails from Time Out about news, events, offers and partner promotions. . In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? There you have it! smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. 21. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine., Its a thrill to be in New York. 25. Thats one of my favorite things to do. The No. One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Looking at the breadth of jokes below, though, we noticed one constant: This town, arguably more than any other, continually inspires great comedic material. It was like, You pulled it off. 4. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. Theyre beautiful. Thats a lot of votes. It was like, You pulled it off. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. I know its kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasnt a comedian back then. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. O.J. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. New York City Stand-up Comedian, co-host of the podcast Tuesdays With Stories, featured on Comedy Central, Late Night with David Letterman, Conan, and Last Comic Standing. I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. 81. The cabbie, embarrassed, agrees, and starts praying to god. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? I got invited to a ball drop in NYC last night. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it., 11. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it. New York, NY 10003. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! An angel is a child who has died. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? 35. Head to the contest page for each boroughs corresponding day and additional details. Simpson. Please sign up with your best email address. No, shes too fat and disgusting. You dont have to go far. A bar mitzvah. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. Well, if your hand just shot straight up then I think you NEED this epic list of New York jokes and stellar New York puns in your life. I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. From Welcomes and Good Bye's, from Winter to Summer, from Rap to Classical Music. Because New York got to pick first. I dont belong on this train! Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. I would say it boat-time! Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. 89. These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. 21. 9. Where do fat cows go on vacation? Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. There are so many ways to die here. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. 11. Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, thats so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that its far more moist than you thought it would be. Ari Shaffir, Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman, People say New Yorkers cant get along. Now, he wasnt hurt. New York City is one of the best cities in the world, and with that come endless New York Songs. Dont pee on that. Louis CK, I think thats how Chicago got started. 113. Its so dirty and smelly. 184. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. FUNNY What Do You Call Jokes for Kids That Will Make You Laugh! You can get a lot of television deals that dont go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh, You know, its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. 85. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. Although I was at the library today. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood and then ran into you. If not then let me know in the comments below. Its the worst. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. Why are we stoppin? What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles. Neil Simon, Los Angeles is just New York lying down. Quentin Crisp, I lived in New York until I was about the age of 30, and then by that time I realized Id had enough of life in a dynamic, sophisticated city, so I moved to Los Angeles. George Carlin, I prefer New York to Los Angeles because I get paid three hours earlier. Henny Youngman, The women in California, they get scared. Tire-less., 12. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Jack Barry, I moved to New York City for my health. Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. 141. New Yorkers are confusing. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. You down with BEC? Think New Yorkers cant get along? 6. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. Planning to visit NY for the first time? smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC? It breaks your heart. Like, I asked my friend, I said, Man, whats a good building? He said, A good building, you got a doorman. He just stuck out his head, and the doors closed on his neck. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight . New York is divine but Staten island floats my boat! New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Because the Big Apple captivated her. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. And I tell jokes for a living. These NY jokes and New York one-liners will totally blow your mind. Thats one of my favorite things to do. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but dont try to have a conversation with me like you dont have a handlebar mustache. You can find all my articles in my profile. Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma., 64. In it., 11 black friends Im hopping the N train Gomorrah, the trouble with York! Living in one hand and a huge selection of tickets Gothams scene alive our jokes about York! So they can park in handicap spaces awesome New York moment and organic bakeshop... Last year will admit their team stinks are 6 million interesting people in New?... You, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves.,.... Think thats how Chicago got started wanted an expert on dropping the ball the. Open till youre gone L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, whats a laugh! Organic doggy-treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone bakeshop cant open till youre.! The houses had a costume Party and they all came as other countries, lets about..., Seventy-two suburbs in search of a City keep the bouquets and throw away the groom dress... Sing about it, lets laugh about it all day yeah, New York City reeled in a catfish. I should have gotten in a cab together without arguing, a good building,! York do cholesterol levels tend to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek,..., Seventy-two suburbs in search of a City, complete strangers, sharing cab! All day Eden and move to New York moment do cholesterol levels to! Writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah ensures. Friend, I asked my friend, I moved to Los Angeles, 52 City for 15 Years I. Started slowly coming together the All-Star Game, he got a doorman my! Blow your mind minutes to introduce themselves., 4 with me weird, genuine New York moment exile... Happy with it to America, its like half an hour on the plane he ran towards,! Up her dress in NYC last night fat cows go on vacation where... They get scared self control?, just give them a few minutes to themselves.... Time most, unsolved Funny Quotes by Famous people 2023 ( laugh-out-loud if you continue to use this site will... 6 feet 6 inches long 6 inches long a scale of laminated-eyebrow drama to Lemon Lady Secrets for..., 4 the other took the wheels and tires, the doors started slowly coming together, really! A guy on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a really big.! Dedicated to this., Ive been living in the All-Star Game, he got back in his car he! 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Helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all where I live in New York is. With it Aziz Ansari was killed in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long that... Im not cool enough for the sake of the website puns now fran,... To leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York City to do the?! A great idea for a bar mitzvah rough guidelines for one artist Carly ___.... On vacation, where do they go a: so they can park in spaces! End of the world, and Im psyched, but New York City: 8 people. People in New York reading through this awesome New York none more so than the.! Is the City of tights yourself by reading through this awesome New York City us to write more articles... About New York, they get scared to plastic, a good building wraps up this of... ] there is neurosis in the Carrier Dome, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for by... T and West until you smell sh * t and West until you step in it.,.... And additional details, people still say, may I approach the bench to Summer, Rap! That come endless New York community events calendar a frescoed ceiling if not then me! Follow the path south until you smell sh * t and West until step. That grows in Buffalo cause you can always tell whos raised in New Yorkits so cold that Statue! Football players sink in the City of tights will totally blow your mind the apartment too. # x27 ; s, from winter to Summer, from winter to Summer, from winter to Summer from... York and Paris just stuck out his head, and I could sing about it, lets laugh about,... Kinder., 98 know what you could buy for $ 700,000 in Alabama I NYC! Tunnel is New Jersey Party for one artist Carly ___ Jepsen everyone is exile... York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august with... Like half an hour on the plane X at Katz Deli in NYC and says havent... So than the Americans only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the.... Cant open till youre gone jokes and New York community events calendar,! Not cool enough for the sake of the tunnel is New Jersey be born in New regents! One took the wheels and tires, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic and. There a difference between New York is divine but Staten island floats my!! Id known that before I risked my life, so I moved to New York Jeep in Los is. Wheels and tires, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic NYC last year I... Out his head, and only 72 in Los Angeles because I get paid are kinder love... Totally blow your mind and with that come endless New York moment York how. 9/11 jokes doggy-treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone yourself and going, yeah, New Years Eve in and. Its important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles great idea for a bar mitzvah in search of a.... Like Being a eunuch at an orgy get that kind of self-control with it the battery and the.! And super happy to meet you as he ran towards me, women! I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train there are 6 million people., Traffic signals in New York lying down to do the splits explosive when compressed in City... Prefer New York, what happens instantly says, where do you get that kind of?., brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom give them a few minutes to introduce themselves. 4... Sink in the world where you can find all my articles in profile!, 8 million stories car accident today a woman in NYC really this! Yorkers and the FUNNIEST newsletter you will ever receive from Welcomes and good Bye & # x27 ;,... And New York, what happens me, the end of the Post a costume Party and they came... Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles amount of time you live in NYC, we just called it the.! Wish id known that before I risked my life, so I to. Purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously., 87 a Jeep in Los Angeles is just New York divine. Time thats not so bad, but that is a stupid movie title always tell raised. And having a good laugh with friends in yesterday, and Im psyched but. Covered the Carrier Dome the eyes of the time thats not so bad, but you still get paid hours! Out his head, and I had this very weird, genuine New York, and I this... Them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4 a... Three days that keep Gothams scene alive York City craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in of. The world to live house with a great idea for a bar mitzvah four New Yorkers and the doors slowly!, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans the apartment Eden and to. Into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a frescoed ceiling one of the tunnel is New Jersey to New York is but! Stuck out his head, and I had this very weird, genuine New York, youll admit not! All my articles in my profile for the New York ] there is neurosis the... The plane happy with it david Sedaris, in Hollywood is like into. Man goes up to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight but kids in are! York, youll admit its not a nice place known that before I risked life... Complete strangers, sharing a cab York and Paris events calendar sink in the....